In 2016, Men’s Health UK launched Mend The Gap — a global initiative aimed at destroying the stigma surrounding mental health and its perception at personal, societal, institutional and governmental levels.
It may not seem like it but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel
In 2017, a year later, we updated our campaign, with over 15,000 readers writing in to share their experiences with mental health and help shed light on the current state of men’s mental health.
We found that 70 per cent of the men who wrote in wouldn’t describe themselves as “living with high levels of positive mental health” and 69 per cent have never considered speaking to a professional when it came to their mental health.
All of which makes for difficult reading. Add to the statistics that 57 per cent said they had recognised things that made them concerned about a friend in themselves and the outlook remains bleak.
(Related: What to say to a friend with depression)
However, as with many difficult situations, there remains a silver lining. Countless men across the UK — from high-level sportsmen, politicians and businessmen to the average man — have fought the black dog and won.
Below, we spoke to four different men — of different ages, backgrounds and experiences — to encourage further conversation, help spread awareness and, crucially, to provide a guiding light to anyone experiencing the same and prove that you are never alone.
Sam, 26, MA student
Sam didn’t realise that he was going through anxious depressive episodes in his teens until well into his twenties. Whether this was down to him being uninformed about the red flags or a more general lack of support in the UK is up for discussion, but it got worse.
According to Sam, it came to “Suicidal urges and self-harm. A few times in the past I’ve written my note, taken myself off somewhere with a bottle of whisky with the intention of drinking myself to death.
“During an extremely bad spell, self-harm seemed like a good idea, just to feel something other than numbness; as if the pain caused by harming would help.”
(Related: The 8 types of depression you never knew existed)
This directly affected Sam’s social life. “The anxiety can make it hard to make new friends, there’s a sense of dread about trying to interact with new people. It can also be hard to maintain old friendships too, especially if either of you have moved away, started a new job or something like that.”
It affected his sex life too. “During a depressive stage, sex is probably one of the last things on my mind,” he explains. “It’s kind of hard to get intimate when you just feel numb inside.”
Thankfully, for Sam, when his depression was at its worst, a college tutor noticed and helped him take action. “He went on to book me a meeting with the college counsellor, and even offered to sit in if I needed someone there with me for it. The counsellor then went on to help talk me through my options, which led me to see my local GP.”
(Related: Lifting weights can help ease depression)
After meeting his local doctor, Sam was put on medication — a prescription that would go on to last a few years — to help start tackling the problem. He was prescribed the antidepressant Citalopram, which, in his words, put him in “a constant state of [being] in the middle; a weird numbness between happy and depressed.”
Sam’s relationship with Citalopram was limited, as he began to look for alternative solutions that didn’t involve prescriptive medicine. Instead, he began an internal battle to get through it — not letting depression affect how he went about his life — by adopting new mindsets and new hobbies. “Over time, it becomes easier to manage, and you can take control of your life and not let it run your life for you,” he says. “It may not seem like it but there’s always light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes getting to the end of that tunnel is harder than other times, but it’s always there, it’s just a case of making sure the depression doesn’t take over.”
(Related: How to talk to your GP about mental health)
His parting advice? “It’s important to stay strong, try to keep your mind occupied however hard it seems.” At University, Sam joined the university rugby club, meeting a group of like-minded young men who understood the struggle of mental health and the benefits that physical activity can offer.
Sam trains with the team several times a week while keeping in regular contact with friends and family. You’ll never know when you’ll need them.
Max, 26, charity call-handler
“I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was a teenager and have had depressive episodes since I was 18, both of which were properly diagnosed at 22,” he explains. “It was a mix of being unemployed after leaving school, a bad break-up and having been sexually assaulted.”
(Related: Suffering from anxiety? These findings can help)
As with many men in the UK, Max’s experiences began in his teenage years and have been present since. “Around Christmas 2017/beginning of 2018, I experienced a particularly bad stretch of events which set me back emotionally and logistically. This included a very tumultuous break-up, being made redundant, being rejected from a university course I had applied for and having to move house twice in a very short period of time,” he says.
“I found myself being unable to cope with everything and feeling as though I had to isolate myself from the people around me because I couldn’t bear to be in the company of anyone who was experiencing joy.”
These thoughts began to manifest themselves in a physical form, resulting in panic attacks which would heavily impact his social life. “The panic attacks I was experiencing (which had played a part in the break-up) began to increase in severity and regularity, often resulting in me having to abruptly leave social situations in order to ground myself.”
(Related: The mental health issue men never talk about)
It’s important to know that panic attacks aren’t just a mental issue. They can have physical symptoms too – from shaking, a dry mouth, sweating and dizziness.
His sex life was affected too, partly due to the medication prescribed by a GP — who Max described as lacking in “sensitivity or openness in their approach” and eventually led to him looking at alternative options — but also due to his condition. “I was left with a much lower sex drive, and when I did have sex, it just wasn’t as enjoyable,” he explains.
(Related: 6 of the best books about mental health)
“Unfortunately, one of the side effects to the anti depressants I am taking at the moment is a reduced desire for sex… The anxiety/panic attacks that I have experienced before have had a major impact on my ability to maintain relationships – my last relationship essentially imploded due to insecurity and anxiety from both parties.”
Josh, 33, product designer at London tech company
“One day, I had such a strong feeling to kill myself that I left work early without saying anything to anyone, bought some cigarettes, went home, tied a noose over a top-floor banister and just sat there, smoking and looking at it.
(Related: 6 ways to improve your mental health)
“I had days and weeks of not getting out of bed. Life stopped. There wasn’t daily habits anymore,” Josh admits. This led to an increasingly difficult relationship with hard drugs, stemming from his teenage years, where he “grew up wanting to escape”.
“As a teen, I took my fair share of amphetamines. I felt happy and free. Later in life, I took cocaine a lot because on the surface it was a perfect cure for self-loathing and low-confidence. But in reality, it really damaged me and perpetuated the whole experience.”
Slowly but surely, Josh realised that things needed to change. Asking him how he went about initiating this, he said it was “talking to someone, whether that be a professional or a friend. That sparked a conversation outside of my head.”
(Related: Why the suicide rate among men is the lowest for almost 30 years)
Josh continues to take medication to help fight his anxiety. “I think I’ve found a good place between using Citalopram and Propranolol whilst trying to practice good mental health. Some work and some don’t, I think it’s personal to you. I remember being quite heavily dosed up on Prozac and it feeling, just wrong. It was like I was a husk of a human being.”
Mike, 29, bar manager
Mike, like Sam, didn’t realise he had been suffering from depressive episodes until his late teens. Specifically, Mike was 19-years-old when he realised that he had been depressed since he was 15. When we spoke to him, his worst episode was only “a few months back”.
“I think I hit rock bottom a few months ago. My girlfriend ended things and I lost my house, car, job, her and any chances of financial security. I didn’t think there was any bouncing back. I wanted it to end. All of it.”
At this point, he began to seek professional help from his local GP, who prescribed him medication that he still relies on. For now, things seem to be working. “There are little things that I have noticed. I don’t dread leaving the house, I manage to initiate conversations and can be honest with people if I’m having a bad day.”
“The idea of men being weak is far too widespread,” Mike says. “For some reason, men are supposed to be strong and never reveal feelings or emotions, and this is a really dangerous state of affairs. It’s so important that men are taught to express any feelings they have, early on, so things don’t build up.”
“Reach out to people. If someone seems to be avoiding you, or behaving differently, maybe strike up a serious conversation with them, it could be what they need.”
(Related: One MH reader shares his tips for overcoming anxiety)
Even if you don’t recognise Mike, Sam, Max or Josh’s symptoms in yourself, it’s important to know your friends and family could be experiencing something frighteningly similar.
“If you know a friend who’s struggling, don’t dance around them on eggshells, they don’t need to feel like they are making you uncomfortable on top of everything else,” says Mike. “Treat them like the mate they’ve always been. You could save their life.”
A doctor’s advice
“Although one in four people experience a mental health problem each year, there is still a stigma. It is one of the reasons why people are often reluctant to talk about any mental health challenges they may face,” says Dr. Pablo Vandenabeele, Clinical Director at Bupa. “Many of my male patients say that they were reluctant to seek help at first as they didn’t want to admit it, as that meant that they were accepting that something was wrong. Others say they feel that they should be able to help themselves.”
If this sounds familiar, Dr. Vandenabeele recommends a four-point solution.
Communication: “Communication is key to managing any mental health condition. If anyone is experiencing symptoms of anxiety, opening up and talking to someone can help them to cope”
Exercise: “Regular exercise can also help people to manage anxiety. It reduces stress hormones and stimulates the release of endorphins in the body – these are the hormones that make you feel good. It doesn’t matter what type of exercise you do, as long as you enjoy it and can do it on a regular basis. If you feel like you don’t have time to exercise, try to incorporate it into your everyday life, such as walking or cycling to work instead of driving or taking public transport. If you have children, take them to the park to play a game, or get outdoors and do some gardening.”
(Related: How to save your best friend’s life)
Diet: “It’s important to have a good diet and keep hydrated as a lack of food or water makes us all tired and more susceptible to feeling anxious. It’s also worth reducing your caffeine intake. It’s easy to think that coffee will give you the energy to remain alert and work through your to-do list, but it can also impact on your sleep, which is crucial for allowing the brain to rest.”
Meditation techniques: “A lot of people also find that implementing daily relaxation or breathing exercises helps them to manage their anxiety. Deep breathing is one of the best ways to lower stress in the body, as it sends a message to the brain to calm down and relax. “
